#91282 - 08/04/07 12:44 AM
Friday night bad joke club
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RGR
Planeteer
Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 25183
Loc: UK
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Cornwall."
*********
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
**********
Husband asks wife"why dont you tell me when your having an orgasm?"
wife replies"i dont like to ring you at work"
**********
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5% said it was to get a glass of water,
12% said it was to go the toilet,
83% said it was to go home.
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#91283 - 08/04/07 01:00 AM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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wheels
Planeteer
Registered: 04/27/99
Posts: 1529
Loc: ma.
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one
in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into
his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
deeper.
His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut
flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
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#91284 - 08/04/07 02:01 AM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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Blockdog
Planeteer
Registered: 10/15/00
Posts: 3617
Loc: Mo. USA
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While at church one Sunday a young usher was attending this little old lady. He says,"Good morning mam where would you like to sit?" the lady says,"On the front row please." The young lad says ,"Mam our Pastor is pretty boring and you may fall asleep and it would be embarassing to fall asleep on the front row are you sure you want the front row?"
The old lady says"YOUNG MAN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" The young man says "No mam who are you? "Well, I'm the pastors Mother."
The young man says ," Mam do you have any idea who I am?" She says, "No" the young man says , "OH THANK GOD!"
_________________________
Block Tunes  Blockdog The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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#91285 - 08/04/07 03:41 AM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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NOK
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 12/29/00
Posts: 28816
Loc: hanging N the GarAge
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this guy sashshaYed N2 a jewelrY stOre with this cuTie undeR his arM and Said he wantented to look at engagement rings__and he was shown a $4000.oo ring and they were both like ...nAAaa.. so he was shown the $40,000.oo ring and oH, hOw HaPpy they were
so he wrote a check for $40,000.. and the clerk said SiR, the banks are closed for he weekends, it wil be Monday b4 w can process this... he says ok.. we'll come back Monday and pick up the ring..
come Monday, the bank called him and said his check didn't clear for the ring...
he said, I expected that,.___
but let me teLL yOu abOuT my wEEkEnd :p :rolleyes:   :
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#91287 - 08/04/07 01:45 PM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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WRC,Jr.
Planeteer
Registered: 01/08/05
Posts: 5865
Loc: San Antonio
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Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards were walking in a park when an eagle swooped out of the sky and grabbed both of them with its talons. The eagle then proceeded to climb to a great height before releasing them and thus falling to their death.
Moral: You really can kill two Stones with one bird.
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#91288 - 08/04/07 02:23 PM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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MadGuitrst
Purveyor of Truth
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 06/10/99
Posts: 27657
Loc: 3rd Stone From The Sun
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A man who stuttered went to the doctor.
He said, "dddddoocttor, allll o-o-o-of m-m-my l-life, I'Ive st-st-st-stutt-tt-ttered, I-is th-th-there any-th-thing you c-can d-do?"
The doctor told the man to take off his clothes and put on a hospital gown so that he could do a thorough examination.
After examining the man he told him that his penis was too large, thereby pulling down on his vocal chords and causing him to stutter.
"Wh-wh-what c-c-c-c-can y-you d-do ab-about it?" asked the man.
"The only thing we can try", said the doctor, "is to remove the excess penis, making it a normal size, thereby relieving the tension on your vocal chords , which will stop your stutterring".
"o-o-okay, l-l-let's t-try it" said the man.
So surgery was performed.
After the surgery the doctor entered the room to check on the man. The man said "Doc, I can't believe this worked!!! This is fantastic, I am so happy! But I'm curious, what did you do with the excess penis you removed?"
The doctor said, "w-w-well, l-l-let m-m-me ex-ex-explain".
_________________________
"When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know; but if you listen, you may learn something new." -Dalai Lama.
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#91290 - 08/05/07 12:19 AM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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Fenderbender
VS-Planet Village Imbecile
Planeteer
Registered: 06/05/01
Posts: 11159
Loc: Waterford,Ohio U.S.A.
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man #1..."my dog's got no nose".. man #2..."how does he smell?".. man #1... " horrible"...
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#91291 - 08/07/07 08:18 PM
Re: Friday night bad joke club
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Fenderbender
VS-Planet Village Imbecile
Planeteer
Registered: 06/05/01
Posts: 11159
Loc: Waterford,Ohio U.S.A.
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the man says..."horrible".... :rolleyes:
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