#1629218 - 09/14/19 07:04 PM
I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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For the moment, at least. 3.5 months since I had a partner by my side. I'm ok being alone, writing music, vegging out, but I'm bored with it all. My friends took me out to dinner the other night for my birthday which was fun but bittersweet.
I miss female companionship, the cadence of a woman's voice. I'm not talking about sleeping with someone, just the opportunity to talk to someone a bit about themselves. All of my best female friends are married, and it feels like the single women I'd like to spend time with have their guard up, because I'm only recently single so I must be on the prowl or the rebound or whatever.
I saw the movie Yesterday twice, alone, week before last. It's not unusual for me to see such a fun and interesting movie twice, but usually I'd be bringing my mate the second time had she not seen it the first time around.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'm invited to play a few tunes in a beautiful house on a new piano, the purchase of which I helped facilitate. Casual, maybe 10 or 12 people I don't know that well. I'm going to test out three pieces that no one has ever heard. Those kinds of experiences mean so much more to me if someone I know is there to witness and reflect on it afterwards. There is a very nice woman here who is more or less in my boat, recently single. I know she enjoys my company and in fact, we've been whatsapping a few times in the last 24 hours, just nice comforting stuff surrounding my birthday. But I fear that if I invite her, it will seem like I'm asking her on a date and she will freak out a little.
Which sends me right back to the mode of "I can't believe I have to even think about this shit," which triggers regret and self-pity, both of which I've been doing a pretty good job of avoiding lately.
The lesson, at least one of them, is to not take your situation in life for granted because things can change in a heartbeat.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629222 - 09/14/19 08:17 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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SkyWave
Planeteer
Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 14755
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Sometimes it takes these drastic life events to motivate us to learn to quiet the mind.
Invite her and stop ruminating about it. Musicians like having audiences and are always inviting people to their things. Just tell her that you are playing and invite her. You can explicitly say, Just thought you might like to hear some music, no pressure. You can even explicitly say something like, I'm not dating yet, just wanting to make more friends. It will be OK.
Change, yes, the only constant.
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#1629224 - 09/14/19 09:17 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: SkyWave]
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Marty Gilman
Official Planet Sax Monster - Planeteer/Artist # 117
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 26529
Loc: Palm Beach, Florida- U S A
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Take it slow, but take the opportunity.
You never know.
I evaluated my own needs in a partner and came out with top priority as being intelligent. Do an honest inventory, then proceed.
-m
_________________________
Can you play that an octave louder?
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#1629225 - 09/14/19 09:24 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Marty Gilman]
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flatcat
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 07/11/01
Posts: 29762
Loc: Westborough, MA, USA
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At the risk of sounding like a contrarian, enjoy being by yourself. I understand what you're saying about wanting to share things like a concert or a show, or wanting to talk about the little nothings that in our lives add up to the big something. Perhaps other projects you've wanted to work on where you didn't have time or space might be a good idea during this time.
I wish you well, wherever things take you.
_________________________
The internet, and the whole technology sector on which it floats, feels like a giant organ for bullshittery—for upscaling human access to speech and for amplifying lies. - Ian Bogost
Professor Truth T. Sweetness says,"Mind your manners!"
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#1629226 - 09/14/19 09:35 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: flatcat]
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Alan
Nice guy! Cuddly Alan
Planeteer
Registered: 01/30/00
Posts: 7939
Loc: Sauchie, Scotland, UK
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Annette and I are like water molecules flowing down the turbulent garden hose of life. I dread the day that one of us spurts out the end before the other, or is caught in a blockage, etc etc.
Love is what love is, it's a flow.
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#1629227 - 09/14/19 09:36 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: flatcat]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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Thanks and I really do enjoy being by myself, but right now it's like a forced diet--I feel like I've been eating the exact same thing every day. I wake up, play with the cat, walk the dogs, check email, do some business stuff, eat, play the piano--getting in shape for a Mexico City gig Thursday--plan for an upcoming San Miguel concert that is something of a moonshot to pull off, sit in silence for a while and think or just drift, eat again...that takes me till about 3pm. From that point on, I'm starting to feel like it would be fun to be somewhere else, thinking about someone else's problems. I go out and smile at a cocktail party or a gallery opening and then come back home, watch netflix, play the piano (and the bass right now). watch netflix some more and go to bed with the cat on my chest.
It's been about 15 weeks of this routine. I don't see too many more creative options--it's one of the things I really enjoy about having a partner, that they have ideas I might not have thought of--or might not even care for--that turn out to be fun.
Thanks, I appreciate the chance to blow off a little steam. I did write to her but she hasn't seen her whatsapp yet.
But good lord--I really do have the capacity to overthink things.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629230 - 09/14/19 09:41 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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Another question--do you guys find yourselves talking to yourselves, out loud? Man, I've really gotten in to the habit over the last decade or so and I do it way more now that there is no one to hear me. I practice conversations that I want to have, dealing with different responses and so on. It's not so much like a rehearsal but more like a pop quiz--how would I react if he or she said this?
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629234 - 09/14/19 10:01 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Alan
Nice guy! Cuddly Alan
Planeteer
Registered: 01/30/00
Posts: 7939
Loc: Sauchie, Scotland, UK
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Yup!
All the time. I narrate my thoughts, but only when alone. Weird!
PS: I really think it is a healthy thing to do, argue and debate out loud with ones thoughts.
I do!
"Do you?"
Well jingz! I was only responding to a pals post.
"Post what? What pals? What Thoughts?"
oh fuck off you, My Internal Dialogue, i'm sick of you!
Edited by Alan (09/14/19 10:09 PM)
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#1629242 - 09/14/19 11:09 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Alan]
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jsd
Planeteer
Registered: 04/19/99
Posts: 2437
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Another question--do you guys find yourselves talking to yourselves, out loud?
Yes But I try not to answer...;-)
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#1629244 - 09/15/19 02:37 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: jsd]
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Doofie
Doofie
Planeteer
Registered: 04/04/02
Posts: 14245
Loc: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
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I was about to start this post by quoting Alan. Then I decided to not do that. It seemed as though doing so would compromise the essence of Alan's declared sentiment.
Every once in a while I relive the afternoon lunch we shared with Annette and Alan. It was pure and honest. Just a touch guarded at first as we sorted out where to eat and park and then what to talk about. And when I said I felt like having a beer they both said that it might not be a good idea since drinking and driving was particularly frowned upon by the Scottish constabulary. And then I knew I was with people who cared. And the rest was easy.
Doug, I have no advice. I simply feel a sympathetic, non-condescending, response to your trusting exposure of yourself and your particular situation. You obviously are very much in touch with yourself. We all have a lot to learn from each other, and how better to do that than lay things out for others to see and respond. There's something fearless about it, even as it might hurt.
_________________________
"On religion, the common man finds it to be true,
the wise man finds it foolish,
and the wealthy man finds it useful."
-Seneca The Younger ~76AD
I'm David McMillan. My friends call me Chuck.
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#1629248 - 09/15/19 03:01 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Doofie]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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Thanks Doofie. There is no question that fearlessness is going to be part of my life for the foreseeable future.
I did invite this woman tomorrow’s music thing via WhatsApp, and I’m waiting for a response now. I’m kind of expecting her to say no-her break up is pretty fresh, only five weeks. I don’t think it will hurt our friendship that I asked.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629257 - 09/15/19 02:49 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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JazAddict
Planeteer
Registered: 05/17/04
Posts: 18011
Loc: The West Coast of Florida
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I do more thinking to myself than talkin.
Theres nothing wrong with asking the woman to a gathering.
Id guess that taking things slowly would yield better results than headlong leaps at this this tender point,but wtf do I know?
_________________________
Liberty is inversely proportional to government. http://www.bobminer.net  Da Bears   Bob Miner
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#1629259 - 09/15/19 03:04 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: JazAddict]
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flatcat
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 07/11/01
Posts: 29762
Loc: Westborough, MA, USA
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I do more thinking to myself than talkin.
As an aside, this is a thing with me. I often brood for a long, long time about something, especially if it's big. Then I will do something. And when I do, people feel like it's coming completely out of nowhere, but in actuality, it's something I've been mulling for often months.
_________________________
The internet, and the whole technology sector on which it floats, feels like a giant organ for bullshittery—for upscaling human access to speech and for amplifying lies. - Ian Bogost
Professor Truth T. Sweetness says,"Mind your manners!"
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#1629313 - 09/16/19 04:19 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: flatcat]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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I think things over for a long time too, but I find I end up talking about them in my car while I'm processing. I used to worry what people would think if they saw me talking out loud in an empty car but now--it's a combination of not really giving a damn and the fact that when I talk hands free on the phone, it looks exactly the same.
The woman said she couldn't go to the music thing, but there was a nice enough follow up conversation. We'll see what happens.
So I played the little house concert tonight and it was an interesting group of 8 people. none of whom I really know well. Average age in the room was probably 75, all super smart and well-educated (doctors, surgeons, psychiatrists, entrepeneurs, educators). Interesting conversations over the dinner after the music.
We were talking at one point about me being single. Someone asked me what I was looking for--what were the items on my 'punchlist' for a perfect match.
I realized that I didn't really think that way, and never had. Of course, I have always been drawn to passionate and good-looking women but it's not like I ever made a checklist. So just to humor the questioner, I did one spontaneously at the table--it was straight from my heart, and I was kind of shocked at how different it came out from what I might have written when I was younger, even 40 or 50.
1. She must be kind--I've had two mates who were basically a little rude to waiters, and both of those relationships stand out for their repressed anger problems and not ending well;
2. Intelligent--I'm not interested in being the smartest person in the relationship. I like feeling pushed to keep up to some degree at least;
3. Good sense of humor (which basically means she laughs at my jokes);
4. Physically attractive--there has to be that chemistry. The good news is that if there is chemistry, I always find my partners to be physically attractive even if they aren't traditionally 'pretty.' In fact, when I look back on my serious relationships, only one would qualify as pretty, but I found every single one of them irresistible.
5. Must love music, and respect my creative process. Rosario used to smoke a joint and lie down under the piano while I was improvising late at night--that was lovely for me and I assume for her. Glenda would sit and listen and give me wonderful feedback. Denise liked music, but the act of creation didn't really interest her--she was just as likely to leave the room and wash dishes or do paperwork. I got used to it--just like one can get used to most things--but I'm hoping I find someone who sees it as something really special.
6. I said I wanted someone who adores me--this got the psychiatrist really agitated, saying that the need to be adored was for infants and dogs. And possibly the word 'adore' is the wrong choice--I just want someone who thinks I'm the best thing that has happened to her in a very long time. I do well in those types of relationships, as opposed to someone who is constantly comparing me to a previous (or a dream) mate.
7. Patient. I can take feedback but I'm very sensitive and I don't like getting nagged or feeling criticized. If it is a Mexican woman, she has to be cool with my limited Spanish. I do work to improve it, but it turns out I am not a quick learner anymore when it comes to language.
I didn't say this one, but I hope I fall in love with someone who is mostly unencumbered--no one with a small child, for example, or no one who is a slave to a job...which means someone old enough to be in charge of her own schedule. I like to wake up and say "I've got an idea--let's hop in the car and drive to Oaxaca for a couple of weeks or so!" and then do it.
I'm really torn about cultural differences. I love Mexico and I am so close to several Mexicans--there really is a difference in the way they view relationships, family, manners and so on. These differences have been the source of pleasure for me, but also great frustration. Denise is really of her own culture, but she is also Mexican and so was Rosario, and both of those relationships ended badly for me. And they were also the only ones who weren't necessarily kind to waiters or maids, which happens sometimes down here with mexican folks who were raised within the class system. I don't want to rule someone out based on race, but I'm sure if I connect with a Mexican woman, I will have to carefully consider whether or not the differences will be beautiful or too difficult.
Much of the above is, of course, bullshit. If I fall, I fall regardless of any criteria. I'm far from perfect and I'm pretty sure that perfect isn't the goal. But it was interesting to see how my preferences came out, and that 'kind' was so much higher than 'physically attractive.' I doubt it would have been like that in my 20s.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629314 - 09/16/19 04:23 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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By the way, this is one of the three tunes I played tonight:
Over/El Paso by Doug Robinson from Doug Robinson on Vimeo.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629315 - 09/16/19 04:32 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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Oh, and at 64 and having had a TIA and a near-death experience from a fall, both in the last 18 months, I hope I find someone who is good in an emergency. Denise was a blackbelt in this area, as was Glenda. I think I'm really good if those roles are reversed.
When you're 20, you don't necessarily think of things like "Knows how to call an ambulance if I trip and smash my head open in the middle of the night." But it's a consideration now.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629323 - 09/16/19 12:32 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Mooseboy
That's "MR. Asshole" to you, buddy!
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 04/24/99
Posts: 37212
Loc: Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
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I was at a crossroads in my twenties, dating three women and not feeling as if I was being honest with them, so I decided the best thing for them and me was to winnow it down to one. I thought it might be interesting today to hold those personalities from the past up to Doug's rubric to see if my choice would have been any different.
1. She must be kind--All three were kind, almost to a fault.
2. Intelligent--This is one of my highest values, but they were all very educated women.
3. Good sense of humor (which basically means she laughs at my jokes); Equality here too.
4. Physically attractive--They were all very attractive in their own ways.
5. Must love music, and respect my creative process-- They were all originally attracted to me because I'm a guitarist.
6. I said I wanted someone who adores me-- I guess I would have settled for regular love, and they all three had that potential.
7. Patient-- Well, hanging out with me makes this inevitable.
So, running them through all of the above thought processes, whom did I end up picking? The one with the biggest tits.
Sorry, I just couldn't resist telling that old joke with a setup like that.
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#1629324 - 09/16/19 12:54 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Mooseboy]
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Marty Gilman
Official Planet Sax Monster - Planeteer/Artist # 117
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 26529
Loc: Palm Beach, Florida- U S A
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The cultural difference is significant, although not an insurmountable barrier.
After a couple of failed marriges with women who were not on the same page as me in so many ways, I have found eternal love with someone I grew up with, went to school together, had the same friends, had the same jobs in education, same (non) religious background, as well as socio-economic class.
It makes it easier to understand each other.
I have boiled my personal definition of LOVE down to a few words: respect, caring, pleasing, nurturing. It is a two-way arrangement.
Buena suerte
-m
_________________________
Can you play that an octave louder?
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#1629352 - 09/16/19 08:36 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Marty Gilman]
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grachus
Planeteer/Artist # 92
Planeteer
Registered: 01/10/00
Posts: 11908
Loc: burlington ont, canada
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that was a nice piece. over/ El Paso .
perhaps you need to find something to guide your internal dialogue. I have been wandering the dark recesses of my mind of late and since I have anxiety issues with regard to how I had been thinking in the past...I had to get away from that thinking pattern and now I am aware of how I get there.. all the changes around me forcing me to try and clean up my mess around me. figuratively and actual.
So I seek answers in youtube videos. and trying to understand where I need to go . I need to be able to find positives in my life and create more. I need to build up my sense of control over me. I need well the list goes on and on...but I try and steer it to the positive thoughts and be aware of my need to be moving forward.
be aware of the positives in your life and how it might help you find what you need.
also when you get tired of talking to yourself come here and we can talk.
_________________________
Now is the time
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#1629360 - 09/17/19 12:27 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: grachus]
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Vanillagrits
Planeteer
Registered: 11/09/04
Posts: 21558
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Nothing will make you appreciate your internal dialogue more than an argument with me. 
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#1629361 - 09/17/19 12:38 AM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Vanillagrits]
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Xenophile
Planeteer
Registered: 09/27/00
Posts: 19118
Loc: Sacramento, CA, USA
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Nothing will make you appreciate your internal dialogue more than an argument with me.
Not bad. Not bad at all!
_________________________
"Bobby, I'm sorry you got a head like a potato. I really am."
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#1629396 - 09/17/19 04:03 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Vanillagrits]
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Mooseboy
That's "MR. Asshole" to you, buddy!
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 04/24/99
Posts: 37212
Loc: Black Mountain Hills of Dakota
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Men are such bastards… all the troubles of the world are caused by men… Oh wait, that's somebody else's dialog!
Me, I can laugh at a joke. VG, that was fucking hilarious!
_________________________
"My fingers go wiggle wiggle and the music goes jingle jangle and the crowd is happy"
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#1629398 - 09/17/19 04:30 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Vanillagrits]
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JazAddict
Planeteer
Registered: 05/17/04
Posts: 18011
Loc: The West Coast of Florida
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See, that's what I love about VG, despite his terribly misguided politics.  I like you because you have the biggest tits.
The great tie-breaker when all higher boxes checked.....or the only box. 
_________________________
Liberty is inversely proportional to government. http://www.bobminer.net Da Bears Bob Miner
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#1629432 - 09/17/19 11:20 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Marty Gilman]
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Timster
Artist #'s - 130, 298, 412
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 43394
Loc: Center of the Universe
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Maybe, I missed it sonewhere, what happened with the woman you were with?
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#1629569 - 09/19/19 03:53 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Ismellelephant]
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Xenophile
Planeteer
Registered: 09/27/00
Posts: 19118
Loc: Sacramento, CA, USA
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Doug's existential crisis thread has degenerated into jokes about eastern European women with ample armpit hair?
_________________________
"Bobby, I'm sorry you got a head like a potato. I really am."
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#1629582 - 09/19/19 05:23 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Xenophile]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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It's ok, it's making me laugh a little more.
My cool duo gig in Mexico City got cancelled tonight--that's a drag. But the guitarist and I have a good repertoire now and we're both eager to play in front of someone, so I've got that in my back pocket for November or December.
Tomorrow, I have a rehearsal (also in the city) with the drummer and acoustic bassist I want to use for my upcoming album called Hymn For Her. If the chemistry is good, we'll record he end of October.
In other news...I'm not ready to be with anyone, still grieving to some degree. But I'm also not closed to considering opportunities. There are really only a couple of women here in San Miguel right now that I could see myself with, and I've had sufficient casual contact with them that they are at least aware that I'm out here. Like I said, I'd be happy with just going to an afternoon movie and talking about it afterwards--I miss that.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629586 - 09/19/19 05:40 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Xenophile
Planeteer
Registered: 09/27/00
Posts: 19118
Loc: Sacramento, CA, USA
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I'm not ready to be with anyone
There are some hairy, jazz-loving, warm-hearted Moldovian women who will be disappointed to hear that.
_________________________
"Bobby, I'm sorry you got a head like a potato. I really am."
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#1629589 - 09/19/19 06:23 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Xenophile]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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It's nothing they haven't heard before.
I was just pondering--this is only the second time in my life that I've been left by anyone. The other time was when I was 21. It seems that I usually do the leaving, which feels horrible to say out loud but it's true. I've been spared the self-doubt to a large degree--what did I do wrong? What isn't likable or acceptable about me?
I've been friends and colleagues with a woman here for a couple of years. Great chemistry, although I never really considered her as a potential partner because I was married and I'm a one-woman man. But we'd flirt a little and get along great.
Now I'm single and as it turns out, she's recently become single. Hmmm. Maybe it would makes sense to talk it over...but then I realize that I'm 21 years older than her! Holy shit, how did that happen? When she's my age, I'll probably be dead or wishing I was. Culturally, it doesn't freak me out as much as it might freak her out--I really don't want to run the risk of being told "You're my father's age!"
I had a five year relationship with a 40 year old when I was 23. Some people were freaked out but not us. But 64 and 43 seems different to me.
It isn't her youth that attracts me--I am equally attracted to a 67 year old woman down here, but when I invited her to my birthday dinner just as a friend, she launched into a cryptic convoluted explanation of why she couldn't be seen with someone in public, lest someone think we're romantically involved. Way too much drama for me, so I'm thankful she said no.
_________________________
Dougrobinson.com
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#1629593 - 09/19/19 06:53 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Jazzooo]
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Xenophile
Planeteer
Registered: 09/27/00
Posts: 19118
Loc: Sacramento, CA, USA
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Well, you know what they say about Moldovians!
_________________________
"Bobby, I'm sorry you got a head like a potato. I really am."
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#1629594 - 09/19/19 06:57 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Xenophile]
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Marty Gilman
Official Planet Sax Monster - Planeteer/Artist # 117
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 26529
Loc: Palm Beach, Florida- U S A
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I think a 20 year difference is significant. It is a generation.
'
Remember the Steely Dan song "Hey 19?" If not, I suggest you look at the lyrics anyways.
Be cool!
-m
_________________________
Can you play that an octave louder?
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#1629606 - 09/19/19 08:24 PM
Re: I'm Sick of My Internal Dialogue
[Re: Marty Gilman]
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Jazzooo
Loquacious Planeteer
Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 55391
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
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I know that song by heart. Unfortunately, she's as culturally hip to what came before her time as I could want. Anyway, it's nothing at this point.
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Dougrobinson.com
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