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#1860592 - 08/17/23 12:51 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Al]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
After a couple of good days, I just had a particularly shitty one. Ran into a woman at Costco about an hour from my house yesterday, and one thing led to another, and she abandon her friends and I gave her a ride home. Had a really fun and animated. Drive home where we each talked about being single. I have two tickets for a concert this Saturday night and I just kind of impulsively. Asked her if she wanted to go. She said she had been invited to a party but she could probably get out of it and that she would call me today.

And she didnít call. I donít even care that much, thereís a friend I can ask to go with me. But Iím just grinding about the break up again. What a fucking drag. Put 1 foot in front of the other all day, get some good real estate work, but also spent a lot of time composing an email to Alejandra saying some things that Iíve been wanting to say to her. Iím about 3/4 of the way done and thereís absolutely no point in going further or sending it to her. I thought it would be therapeutic to get it all out, but it just made me feel worse.
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#1860595 - 08/17/23 01:12 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Al Offline
songwriter
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Registered: 04/16/99
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Loc: Walmartville
Was she hot?
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#1860604 - 08/17/23 02:27 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Al]
ulank Offline
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During the drive did you both share snacks from a 124oz bag of trail mix?
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#1860617 - 08/17/23 04:24 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: ulank]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
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Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Nobody is hot to me right now.
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#1860630 - 08/17/23 02:49 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Vanillagrits Offline
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Registered: 11/09/04
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My best to you Doug.
I hope you have a better day today.
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#1860672 - 08/17/23 09:57 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Vanillagrits]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
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Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Last night was the worst, today is better. She wrote to me suggesting that I do a concert to raise money for Maui and she could produce it. I thought it was a very stupid and naÔve suggestion. I wrote back and said that I am not up for producing an event with her, but I thought it was a good idea And suggested a couple of bands she could get. She said she understood, but I kind of let her have it a little bit in my next message. I have a lot of anger about this break up and I havenít had a chance to say anything to her about it, so I made a few comments, but in the course of doing so I had to admit that I still had strong feelings, and thatís why I did not want to have lunch with her or be her friend at this time.

She wrote back and talked about how difficult the break up has been, saying that all I lost was her, but she lost me and the life we had built together. I reminded her that it was her decision to push things to where of course we had to end it.

Then we both calmed down a little bit and said a couple of nice things and that was it.

I donít know if sheís more damaged in the area of relationships than I even understand, but that might be the case. All I know is that itís really difficult to let somebody go when you still love them, and even though Iím furious and done with her. I canít deny that I still love her. I didnít say that to her, donít worry.

But just fucking dramaÖ Hopefully this is the last time weíll do it, and like I said, it really was kind of the first time we did it.

Anyway, life goes on. Looking in the mirror and for an old fat bald guy I look pretty good.
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#1860688 - 08/17/23 11:36 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Xenophile Offline
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Registered: 09/27/00
Posts: 18445
Loc: Sacramento, CA, USA
My two cents comes from a therapist I saw after a tough break-up 30-some years ago. Take the time to get comfortable on your own. I get the feeling that you feel like you have to be in a relationship. It seems like you are already looking for the next one. I took my therapistís advice and took the time to get comfortable with being on my own (he chuckled at the look of fear that crossed my face when he suggested that I donít sleep with anyone for a year). For me that took some time and discipline. I spent 5 years in college in my early 30s to get my engineering degree. I was pretty much celibate for about two years before I started dating again, and met the woman who eventually become my wife during my last six months at school (a professor I met at a research conference). Iím not suggesting a career change for you, Doug. At our age it is probably not practical. My advice to you would be to focus on your passion for music. Put your energy into producing some excellent concerts, or compose and record your magnum opusÖ. One for the ages. It sounds like your real estate job is just kind a ďside hustleĒ to keep busy and help pay the bills.
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#1860692 - 08/18/23 12:20 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Xenophile]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
I really appreciate the thoughtful responses. Seriously. Real Estate is a side hustle, but when itís happening, I can be working on it till eight or nine at night, sending emails and so on. And I do need to make some money right now. But I am definitely focusing on music, Iíve been improvising every night before I go to bed and recording very cool ideas that I will turn into something down the road. And Iíve got this huge video thing that Iím gonna be talking about soon, thatís the first week of October so a lot of planning.

But Iím almost 68 years old and Iím not gonna go two or three or four years learning how to live with myself instead of trying to make a nice, romantic relationship which is what I love more than anything else. I think about it a lot, but Iím not really in the mood yet. Once I am, weíll see what the universe has in store for me.
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#1860696 - 08/18/23 12:49 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Ismellelephant Offline
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Registered: 07/10/01
Posts: 52249
I like being alone but I never am. I hope you find comfort.
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#1860713 - 08/18/23 04:21 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Ismellelephant]
SkyWave Offline
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Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 14480
It is time to rip the bandaid off. The more you keep communicating and letting her think you can plan events, the more it is like picking at a scab and keeping the wound open. Time to end the pain. Or you can choose to keep it going.

If you want to do something, send money to the Maui Humane Society which is helping the many lost and injured animals.

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#1860721 - 08/18/23 05:08 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: SkyWave]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
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Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Well, I didnít let her think that we can plan events. I told her it was a good idea and she should get somebody else. And Iíve already sent money to several organizations in Maui.

Iím settling into being alone for a while. I think Iím really my best self when I have someone to cherish, though. I like the idea of being creative that way. I mightíve mentioned it at the time, but I pulled off a really surprising surprise party back in May for her birthday. I created a whole scenario out of thin air to distract her from what was about to happen, and it worked perfectly. That stuff is really fun for me. Itíll happen again.
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#1860727 - 08/18/23 11:50 AM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
BmC Offline
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Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 10611
Loc: Bear River, Nova Scotia, Canad...
"Well, I didnít let her think that we can plan events. I told her it was a good idea and she should get somebody else"

This woman has let you down, and continues to fuck with you. Reclaim your life and tell her to fuck off and stop wasting your time.
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#1860728 - 08/18/23 12:14 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: BmC]
Marty Gilman Offline
Official Planet Sax Monster - Planeteer/Artist # 117
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Registered: 04/05/00
Posts: 26137
Loc: Palm Beach, Florida- U S A
I have found in life that there is no going back. When you do you have a different perspective, and things arenít the same anyway. Twice I rekindled relationships, was a big mistake. The same applies to jobs and even going back to area where you used to live.

I suggest you move on, but you do what you think is best for you.

-m
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#1860731 - 08/18/23 01:18 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Vanillagrits Offline
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Registered: 11/09/04
Posts: 21224
 Originally Posted By: Jazzooo
That stuff is really fun for me. Itíll happen again.


I have no doubt that it will......but with someone that appreciates the blessing that you are.

At some point (hopefully soon) you'll have to cut all ties with her or she will interfere with any new relationship you may enter into.

I've had to do that myself before and it's not easy, just necessary.
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#1860739 - 08/18/23 02:07 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Vanillagrits]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Done, thanks. I realized at the beginning of the break up that I wouldnít go back with her even if she asked. But I muddied the waters by indulging in the fact that I still had feelings for her regardless. Yes, she is childish and a taker, but the bigger picture is that she truly is going through a very difficult process, trying to deal with serious demons created by narcissistic, violent and perverse parents. She really doesnít need any additional drama from some ďscorned loverĒ who actually has the world on a string, just because his pride is hurt.

Last night I told her as much in a compassionate, and non-condescending way. It felt right the minute I sent it, and this morning I received a little heart emoticon and a ďGracias, Doug.Ē message. My pain is more like a little cramp now as supposed to a gut punch. Iíll do everything I can to keep moving in that direction.

Social media has gotten corrupt and dangerousÖ Even before technology allowed people to steal your identity and misrepresent you publicly, which is what has happened to me on Facebook now, sharing your personal process has always carried the risk that some asshole would take advantage of your vulnerability to fuck with you. So I want to say thank you to the VS planet community. We donít always agree on everything, but thereís a core group of people here who year after year reach out and try to help fellow Planeteers when theyíre going through difficult times. I appreciate your advice and your stories and your perspectives, and it really helped me through this process. If you think Iím talking about you, I am.

Onward.
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#1860741 - 08/18/23 02:17 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Al Offline
songwriter
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Registered: 04/16/99
Posts: 70342
Loc: Walmartville
I find it interesting that you are so invested in finding closure in relationships that go bad. I prefer staying seething a little myself, feels more natural to me.
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#1860749 - 08/18/23 03:14 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Al]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Hah! Itís just my way, I guess. Iím either good or very good friends with 7 of the women with whom Iíve had serious relationships since the time I was 15. It makes sense to meóIím just not attracted to lousy people. Right now Iím chatting with Rosario, an ex who was the inspiration for Besos Ocultos, a latin jazz song I recently arranged for sax ensemble and she reminded me how she used to get a little high a curl up under my piano while I was composing, which was a first for me. Menopause and quitting smoking did a terrible trip on her (sane with Alejandra in fact) and it made her impossible to live with, that was more than 10 years ago and today we are palsóI do keep a line between us so she doesnít think I want to go back but the friendship is worth it because her three talented sons and I also have a relationship.
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#1860750 - 08/18/23 03:47 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
Al Offline
songwriter
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Registered: 04/16/99
Posts: 70342
Loc: Walmartville
My soulmate of 31 years now is lousy often, an angel otherwise, the larger balance of it (most of her lifeforce goes into being a great mother). I think that's also true of pretty much all the women who have been in my life at one point or another. I feel like if you love them at any point, you always will to some extent. I can't think of any that didn't work out that way. I'm a little seething right now about my best online friend since 2007 who is a lady. She is extremely high maintenance and we've been on the edges of going our separate ways for like 5 years now and finally she appears to have disappeared completely. Normally I would go and bring her back but this time I just don't wanna. ha ha
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#1860751 - 08/18/23 03:49 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
pbrowne Offline
Planeteer


Registered: 06/11/99
Posts: 6309
Loc: Loveland,CO,USA
you are much more adult about your relationships than i ever was when i was younger.

been w/ the same person for 43 yrs now so those are distant memories but i still will have nothing to do w/ any of the serious ones.

once a trust is betrayed it's impossible to rebuild - but that's me.
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#1860771 - 08/18/23 07:18 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: pbrowne]
Jazzooo Offline
Loquacious Planeteer


Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
I hear you, and if something had happened like them cheating on me, there would be no relationship at all.

Here is about the worst thing a woman has ever done to me, aside from slapping (once)or spitting in my face (same woman, once).

For about a year I dated a woman, let's call her Bonnie because that's her name. She was superficial and my friends didn't really get our relationship, but I got beneath the surface a little and we had fun. She did have a little flirtation with a local chef that started to bother me but I can't imagine it ever went further than that. But she had a problem--one mezcal and she got passive aggressive (same with Alejandra). Not wine, just mezcal but mezcal is really delicious \:\) She's the one who insulted my RE client for supposedly hitting on me during a thank you dinner. We broke up that night and she has always denied doing it even though I sent her emails from the people at the table asking 'WTF was that?"

But it's a small town and when she sees me at parties she comes over all smiley and touchy and so on. (When I see her at parties, I try to leave before she sees me.) I usually end the conversation very quickly.

The last time, she really tried to be nice and not too flirty so we talked for a minute and then she started recalling a particularly intimate memory so I stopped her and said "I am not comfortable talking with you about that--we don't have that kind of relationship to talk about intimate memories." She didn't exactly apologize but she got the message.

I didn't count her as one of my friends today.

Going to an event tonight, several women singers. I will look nice enough. I can tell that my vibration is already elevated over the last few days which feels good. Still a dull ache in my gut but it should keep getting better.
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#1864397 - 09/16/23 09:23 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Jazzooo]
ulank Offline
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Registered: 02/03/08
Posts: 19705
Loc: Chicago, IL
Small victories today!

My uncle came over today to help me install some heavy duty shelves in my basement closet where we keep our luggage, Christmas shit, some camping stuff (backpacks, sleeping bags, etc.) and my guitar cases and drums cases. (And 500 unsold CDs. ). He had some leftover shelving from his old shop he wasnít using so he gave them to me for free. \:\) Heís a master craftsmen - he could build a house with his bare hands out of Alís disconnected pinky toe - and said some parts of the shelving were a little different than the others so he wanted to make sure it got put together and secured properly.

In just over an hour, he and I got the shelving set up, level and plumb, and securely fastened to the wall so now I have plenty of shelving to keep my shit organized without having to play Tetris or stack boxes in tall columns.

Opened up a lot of floor space, but those fucking bins of CDs are still the bane of my existence. Probably should just pitch em but I think theyíre pretty environmentally unfriendly so Iíve hesitated in part because of that.

Before my uncle left, I asked him to check out the downstairs toilet with the bad seal and the stupid flapper that requires a PHD to figure out how to unscrew so the seal can be replaced. He checked it out for a bit, was similarly as confused and confounded as I was. I stepped away for a bit and when I came back he was holding the flapper and seal assembly in his hands. \:\) I apparently was on the right track with figuring how it came apart but it was in there so long that it was just a bitch to unscrew.

He took apart the flapper and seal assembly, I grabbed the seal I bought a few months ago from true value not being certain it was the right one. We matched it up to the old one, it was indeed the right one, he put it all back together and now my downstairs toilet finally works again!

Hallelujah!

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#1864402 - 09/16/23 10:29 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: ulank]
Al Offline
songwriter
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Registered: 04/16/99
Posts: 70342
Loc: Walmartville
I think that was intended for the home repairs thread. ha ha ha
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#1864405 - 09/16/23 11:13 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: Al]
ulank Offline
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Loc: Chicago, IL
Nah man. \:\)

https://www.vsplanet.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1860002#Post1860002
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#1864621 - 09/18/23 09:32 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: ulank]
ulank Offline
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Well. No luck with one of the upstairs toilets.

This one actually had a flapper with a thumb screw so I could undo it pretty easily. Took a little muscle but I finally got it and felt strong. \:\)

Of course this one had a different chain than the one downstairs. instead of a clip to attach it to the handle arm it had a small bolt and cotter pin. I took it apart, set the chain aside, replaced the seal, put the flapper back on. Then I screwed the chain back on and went to attach it to the handle armÖbut where the fuck is the little bolt?Ö

I looked all over the counter and bathroom floor. Nothing. And I figured I would have *heard* it if fell when it was out of the tank. So I presumed it fell off in the tank in the bit of remaining water. Sloshed through the water looking for it but to no avail. So I rigged it with a paper clip and gave it a test. Damn still leaking. Came to determine the seal in the *bottom* of the flapper assembly had rotted out enough and so now thatís where itís also leaking. I mean, I knew that seal was questionable since there were bits of it floating in the water as it had been dissolving. Was hoping there was enough seal left to hold but I guess not.

This tank is also lined with styrofoam to prevent condensation and keep it quiet and the styrofoam was looking pretty shoddy too. So now I guess Iím at a point where Iíll have to buy a whole new tank.

Thanks wife! I love you! \:\)

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#1864628 - 09/18/23 11:37 PM Re: What is wrong with me? [Re: ulank]
Jazzooo Offline
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Registered: 05/18/02
Posts: 54694
Loc: San Miguel de Allende, Mexico ...
Tanks, wife!

Well, this seems like itís good an opportunity as any to give a little ďstate of the heartĒ update.

Ex girlfriend Alejandra has been writing me very consistently asking if we can be friends and still do fun things together. I truly believe that when it comes to romantic relationships, she is stuck in some kind of high school pattern. She has a lot of 25 and 30 year old musician friends who hook up with each other for a little while, then break up and still go to parties together and probably sleep together now and then like nothing happened.

That is so not me.

And although I would like to draw the mantle of charity over her because of the horrible ways she was treated as a very young girl and then later in life, that only goes so far. From my perspective, sheís a grown woman who had a chance at a very different kind of life, and she got scared or changed her mind but hung in there a little too long, which made our last few months together something that I look back on and get angry at myself for not calling it quits.

Anyway, I told her that I was just not interested in seeing her right now, that I need to focus on the present and put the past behind me, but Iím sure that one day weíll be friends again. I didnít tell her what my definition of friends was.

Iím still trapped in the cycle of having to do favors for her now and then, and it really pisses me off. For example, I have a car and she doesnít. I have money and she doesnít. We put her computer in for repair in December and I was footing the bill for everything. Now it needs to be picked up and of course she canít do it. So Iím sitting in the parking lot with her computer next to me. I will leave it in my house because Iím going out of town tomorrow and Friday she will come while the maid is there and pick up her computer and a few other things . She left quite a bunch of crap in my house, but she has nowhere to put it so of course, Iím letting her use a spare bedroom.

There is no way I am going to take anything but the highroad. But that doesnít mean Iím going to say yes to everything. But the fact that I havenít seen her since June or JulyÖ She wrote me today and said ďwhenever youíre ready to be friends, please let me know. Iím not dead!Ē I was just pissed off enough to want to write back something it wouldíve really upset her. And of course I did not.

Moving onÖ Because most of my attention has been about moving on.

Been on a few dates, as Iíve mentioned here. Dating is so stupid, but it feels like the right thing to do, just to practice talking to girls. I have a nice long distance dialogue going with the woman who is coming back to San Miguel in January. Sheís so nice to everybody that I donít want to misread the signals, but sheís fun and filled with affirmation, which is always nice.

Iím having dinner tomorrow night in Mexico City with my friend, the amazing singer in Mexico City. It is to discuss our recording session the first week of October, although weíve had talked about the possibility of getting together a little over a year ago. We are both single now. but after my last bicultural experience, and even though her English is far better than AlejandraĎs, the cultural differences have me spooked. Iím definitely not going to try to make something happen but I do count her among my very close friends and for that Iím grateful.

Then itís off to Las Vegas with my female pals to celebrate my birthday. I think I mentioned this, but Iím inviting one of them, paying her a hotel and ticket as my birthday present to myself. It was very sweet the way it has evolved, but nothing is going to happen romantically.

And just when I think ďthereís absolutely no one in San Miguel that I would even be interested in getting to know betterĒ I was sitting in a closing this morning with a woman in her late 50s who is a translator. Now, sheís been translating in my closings for the last three or four years and weíve always had a nice rapport. But something was very different today, I noticed an openness and a flirtatiousness that maybe I had never noticed before because I was in a relationship, or maybe itís new. Anyway, as it turns out, sheís a classical pianist and was going home to practice a Brahms piece after the closing and we just made each other laugh for about 20 minutes straight making small talk. I asked her if sheíd like to have coffee when I come back from the states, and she said ďyes, if you can squeeze me into your schedule, I know how busy you are.Ē

And weíve exchanged a few fun messages this afternoon, for example, she sent me the Brahms piece to listen to. If she can play that, sheís probably going to be disappointed when she hears me play!

Anyway, none of it means anything, except that I feel like my old self again, still a little too pissed off about the break up but not enough to stop me from laughing and making others laugh. That gig I played Saturday night was really good for my egoÖ not because of the applause I got from the 20 people who were there, but because I felt really good about myself as a musician again. Sometimes I forget.

Oh, and I made some fucking money today! I have a retirement account, but for cash flow I depend on real estate closings, and my big closing was supposed to be tomorrow, but it got moved to October and suddenly I found myself with about $300 in my checking account, while Iím booking airline reservations and hotels and all of that jazz. So todayís closing brought some blessed relief.

Thanks for listening!
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