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In an earlier thread, a couple planeteers mentioned their plight of occasionally farting, then discovering a brown surprise in their undies.
As a public service, I'd like to make sure our elderly brethren are aware of the One Cheek Sneak. During slumber parties, giggling teenage girls teach each other this technique, to avoid sounding unfeminine by blasting huge farts around boys.
The technique, if you don't already know, involves separating one butt cheek from the other when you fart. This can be accomplished in one of two ways. You can use one hand (on the outside of your pants) to grab a cheek and pull it away from the other. Or, if you're sitting, you can lean to one side and allow the chair to hold one cheek in place while using one hand to draw the other cheek away.
This will result in a silent fart. You may hear a slight passage of rectal gas, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear it.
What causes the notorious fart-sound that makes us laugh and flee is the air pressure causing the two butt cheeks to vibrate together. That's why you can recreate magnificent fart sounds by placing your lips against the crook of your elbow and blowing. The skin of your inner elbow vibrates.
In junior high, while the teacher had her back turned, troublemakers like me, sitting in the back row, would make high-quality fart sounds by blowing into our elbows. The whole class would erupt in laughter... I quickly learned to control the tone and amplitude, and could blow into my elbow like it was a trombone, creating long, gross howlers that seemed to go on forever...
The teachers would try to tactfully ignore it. But once in a while -- if you ripped a really good one -- you could get the teacher to crack up, too! Ahh! I made myself laugh just now, recalling those glory days...
Have you ever wondered why you never hear dogs and cats fart? It's because their anuses are on the outside, and they don't have butt cheeks to vibrate when they pass wind. It's the same way breath-wind vibrates the reed of a saxophone to create sound.
NEVER KISS A HIPPOPOTAMUS! This is because they have no mechanism for farting out their ass. They have to fart out their mouths! Horses can't fart either, and horses can die if they eat moldy hay and gas builds up inside them, bloating them till their intestines rupture.
But this is how the One-Cheek Sneak can save you from accidentally painting your underwear in tones of umber and sienna: By separating your butt cheeks, you relieve the air pressure which accidentally blows chunks of fecal matter. The air can pass out of your smelly region without you having to give a little squeeze.
I hope this Public Service Announcement helps prevent planeteers from creating Jackson Pollock paintings in their drawers.
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